A story of a SCUBA dive

This is a simple story of a dive I did a while ago. The names don’t mean anything, its just a story. But its something I truly love. One of my great passions in life is SCUBA.

The Last Dive

“This dive is going to be the last dive needed for your Advanced Open Water certificate, and this is the deep dive.” Don talks loud enough for all of us to hear over the wind and the engines of the boat, as we speed to the dive site. Finally after 3 days of check out dives, we are going to finish with required dives and get the next level of diving certification. “When we get down to 100 feet we will meet on the bottom, just make a circle around me and I will give you a problem to do. We will be staying there for only as long as is needed to finish the question. Once everyone is done, I will give the okay signal and then head back to the boat, you should have some time left if you want to look around a little, but watch your air closely. I will not have any out of air situations on this, now will I?”
        “No, sir” half the class replies like good students, the other half either don’t care, or are too cool to answer. I laugh slightly watching everyone else to see how nervous they are. Most of my fellow divers have not gone down this deep and they were a little nervous.
        As everyone begins to gear up, the bright colors of the different fins almost glowing with yellows, pinks, greens of our rental and personal gear trying to mimic the sights of the reef below. Each of us careful to hold on when standing up because of the weight of the aluminum tanks holding the life giving air attached to our vest style buoyancy compensation device (BC.) A line forms at the dive platform at the end of the boat, and we walk two by two like Noah’s charges escaping from the ark. Neither first, nor last, I patiently wait to get to the platform so I can finally put my fins on, and get in the water. Standing with the tips of my day glow yellow fins hanging off the platform, a few inches over the brilliant turquoise water, I put the regulator in my mouth, with a seemingly loud gasp, taking a test breath and then jump.
        Giant striding into Mother Ocean, has always felt like going home. The embrace of the warm water pulling me back to the place where all life came from. It is good to be back. Popping back up to the surface, turning around and looking at the dive master watching me from the platform, I give him the ok signal, thumb and forefinger touching in an O, then I let the air out of my BC and sink back into the best place on earth, the ocean. The seemingly blue water is crystal clear as I dive downward, watching the others in my group as some frantically hold their nose and blow, to equalize the pressure building in their sinus cavities and ears. Chuckling to myself as I just pop my jaw, pretending that I am chewing gum and never worry about it. I find Don, and follow him, slowly kicking as we head down past 33 feet, the first atmosphere now passed, the pressure now double what it is at the surface.
I glide, feeling the warmth of the water, the slight, almost nonexistent currents. Each breath I take I feel the sudden cold of pressurized air and the bubbles, being expelled from my mouth and regulator, rushing past my mask. This, most certainly, is not a silent world, the water is alive with the sounds of my fellow divers, and mostly my own breathing, each breath a Vaderesque reminder of life. The rasp and release of each breath lends its own rhythm to the dive, each one being different, each a new and perfect beat for that moment.
        We descend. Each diver flying, falling as thru the air to the sandy floor below, a controlled descent, each ungainly human transformed into the waterborne creatures life started as. Landing, on our knees, dumping air from the corrugated hoses on our left shoulders, softly settling around Don, each in turn giving the ok signal to let him know we are alright and ready. The sand settles around us, a slight snow fall of landing about our knees, a faint clicking surrounds us, the sound of shrimp doing their business along the reef. Each of our eyes intently waiting, gazing out of our masks, some calm, some a bit frightened, but none large and panicked.
        Taking his slate out of a pocket, our instructor writes with the attached yellow pencil, ordering us to find the answer to a problem on our dive time charts. Each of us search thru our tables, trying to find the right answer. I show my answer, he nods and gives me the ok, first of the group to finish, first to leave. I add some air to my jacket, and float up not wanting to disturb anyone. Glancing up, seeing only the surface a 100 feet overhead, I glance back down and see my fellow aquanauts as they work the problem.
Dumping some air to get to neutral, I look around and about 40 feet in front of me is a series of crevices looking very inviting. Glancing at my pressure gauge, I still have over 2000 psi left in my tank, more than forever really to look around. My computer also tells me I can stay at this depth for longer than my air will last. I swim over and start to look along the coral, striking upwards about 15 feet, the other side of the small canyon 10 feet away. Soft, hard, bright, dull, purple, green, dull reds, yellows, even the faint brighter reds of the corals are showing up at this depth, the water above so clear and calm. I float, my hands clasped at my waist, pure joy and happiness infusing my being. I search for small creatures who live in the small places of the world. The ones who many divers miss, when they shot over the reefs, in a hurry to see the whole thing, when the real action and life is small and happening in square inches not miles.
        Out of the corner of my mask my mind registers that some of the others have left the circle in twos and threes, heading back to the boat, none seem to want to stay and experience the beauty. A hole beckons me, moving closer peering in I see a green moray eel looking back at me. As large around as my arm, he breathes slowly, his teeth flashing with each breath. I know he won’t do anything if I don’t bother him, and so he lets me watch as he gazes back. So intent am I on this new friend I have made, that when I get tapped on the shoulder, I jump slightly and turn to see Margo, one of my fellow students staring back at me.
        Margo is the oldest of the students, a home maker from Dubuque, she has always wanted to learn to dive, and this trip was a gift from one of her children. She has always been friendly if very quiet. Her slightly graying hair floats above her mask as I look into almost saucer sized eyes. She was scared, close to panic and very upset, her movements, despite the water were quick and frantic. Making the ok with her fingers she looks at me, as if she is about to bolt for the surface and horrible decompression sickness, known as the bends. The bends so called because of the excruciating pain inflicted upon the joints as nitrogen bubbles form and expand, making the victim hunch over.
        Reaching out, I touch her hand, making sure I get good skin contact, she calms slightly her movements slowing as the human touch makes things seem slightly better. I ask if she is ok she shakes her head, not remembering how to really communicate with her hands at this point. She points upwards and tries to tell me she doesn’t know where the boat is. Giving her the ok, slowly, so slowly we head upwards, I keep her close to me, so I can touch her hand or grab her if she does panic and decides to do something stupid, getting herself killed in the process. My mind keeps going over what to do if something bad does happen, grab her bc, dump air if she is trying to bolt to the surface, keep your looking in my eyes, keep physical contact, keep her calm, make sure she goes slow, panic will kill her, but no matter what happens I will not die.
80 feet.
70 feet.
60 feet, we go up slowly, I make sure we slow as we climb. I ask her what her air pressure is, she looks, looks again, then holds up 1 finger meaning she only has about 1000 psi left, which if more than enough at this point.
50 feet.
40 feet, she can see the boat, and starts to relax, I keep her from swimming off to the line. I want to make sure that she gets there and gets on the boat.
30 feet, we are directly below the boat, the sound of the water slapping against the hull and the engines humming to themselves are clearly evident. The safety line hangs at 20 feet, we go up a few feet and take a hold of the white line drifting downward. She is finally calm, and I can spend this time reflecting on the dive. The beauty of the colors, my new friend Mr. Moray, the question which Don had asked us. All of it sitting lightly in my brain waiting to be recorded in my dive journal. Keeping an eye on Margo, the whole time, my computer lets me know the 5 minutes have elapsed and we move up to 10 feet for a couple minutes. The slight wave action moves us up and down a few inches as we wait.
        Surfacing, the air feels cooler than the water, it is still a perfect day in the islands, the world below gone for at least an hour. We swim to the platform and hand our weight belts up to the waiting dive master, he smiles and takes the belts, tossing them behind him. A strong hold on the ladder and our fins are next, we climb up, and walk, slightly hunched over to our stations to take our gear off. Sliding the jacket off my shoulders, I finally take my mask off, and grab my glasses. As I turn off the tank, so I can disconnect the regulator, Margo walks over and taps me on the shoulder again, this time I don’t jump.
        “Thank you for that” she smiles sheepishly for a second.
        “Hey no problem, glad you are okay. What happened?”
        “Well I was down there and it just started to get to be too much, I didn’t know where the boat was, everyone was leaving and then I saw you. You looked so calm and relaxed, like nothing was wrong, that nothing could bother you, and I just knew that you knew where the boat was. I hope you don’t mind”
        I laugh and lie to her “Of course I don’t mind at all, I was glad to help.” Yes I was glad to help, but I did mind a little, I wanted to stay down and enjoy myself. Why couldn’t she have tagged Don to save her. I would have still been down there at this point, but I guess I got to play a hero and that’s not all bad, I think Mr. Moray would have been proud of me.
        

The Forest

This is something I wrote a while ago, but it is basically one of the ways I look at the world, and how we should travel through it. I hope it makes sense, but as always your milage may vary... Not sure which TEM is needed for this one, I guess maybe the one with bug spray...

The Forest
Jack walked through the field, the sun warm on the back of his neck. His parents were with him, and when the three of them first entered the field, they carried him. It was wonderful. Jack didn’t have to worry about anything, all he had to do was stretch out his hand and his Mommy gave him everything he needed. Daddy would protect him, both Mommy and Daddy took care of him. After a while he was set down and started to walk on his own. But still holding his parents hands. The breeze would play around in his hair, and his laugh was high and free. There was never any reason to be scared. Mommy and Daddy were always there. Even at night nothing was frightening, for they slept on either side of him, protecting him, keeping him warm. This was how it was supposed to be. As they walked the trees up ahead got bigger and bigger. This field was easy to walk through, there were easy paths that his parents always picked out. Each path lead to the food he needed, to sleep at night, and he learned what they wanted him to learn. All this was so simple and easy.
Each morning when Jack woke, and rubbed the sleep from his eyes, he would look around. The bright blue sky, the shining sun, and he would look at how the wind played with him and danced through the tops of the field. Birds sang and called to each other. This was a warm and safe place. But those trees, they were dark, and green, and huge. Getting bigger and bigger each day. Each day there were more and more insects, more birds, a deer once ran past them. Jack thought he even saw a fox one day, pointing and yelling at it. His father laughed and said, “Yes it was a fox, many animals live in the forest, where we are headed. But don’t fear, we will protect you … always.”
Jack kept marching towards the forest, all the while his hand in his dad’s warm grip. He was happy, and knew he was safe and secure. He never saw the look on his mom’s face as she walked behind him. Worry and fear crossed her eyes as she looked forward to the looming trees.
Finally, the three reached the trees. The sun felt so hot that it was a relief to step into the shade of the giants. Jack’s skin cooled quickly, the sweat being whisked away as the breeze rushed past them to get into the cool of the forest. At first Jack couldn’t see anything, and he let go of his father’s hand to rub his eyes. The air was alive with the beating of wings, the small flying insects of the forest seemed to flock to greet them. Jack could hear new and strange bird calls. Slowly his eyes adjust to the seeming darkness. The yellow of the Sun has turned a glowing green through the leaves. Shafts of golden yellow light steak downwards to play with the bright green of moss. While there is more noise here, it is also strangely quiet. Jack can hear more life here than he ever imagined could be.
Suddenly he realized that his parents are not standing right next to him anymore. He looked around, for a frantic moment. This was something new, they had never not been there. Then he saw them, standing a little ways away, looking at him. Jack smiled, and waved. His father waved back. His mother’s voice flits through the leaves as if she is farther away than he thought. “Jack, come over here, we have a path all picked out for you.” She beckons him. His father joins in “Come here Son, this is the safe path, we have it all picked out for you. You can see down this path, its great. There is a beautiful wife, and children for you down here. You will make a lot of money and be happy. This is what we always wanted for you.”
Jack looked down at his feet and started to walk towards his loving parents. They only want what is best for him after all. He sees that this path has had many feet tread upon it. Suddenly he felt something brush against him. It felt almost like ghosts were rushing past. Jack stopped, looking around. Just out of the corner of his eye he can see others walking along the path. Ghostly white and almost there, but almost not there too. These are the others who have gone this way and will go this way still, so many people. As he looked around Jack noticed something shining from the woods to the right, away from his parents. He stepped that way to take a look. There just at the edge of his sight seems to be someone. He takes another step away from the glowing path, into the cool green dark of the woods.
“Jack…Jack.. come here, there are wonders in the woods, things that you will never find if you take that path. So many others have walked that way. All the treasure is gone that direction.” The voice is musical in a way that nothing has ever been to Jack. This is something new. He finally catches sight of the speaker. A woman of slight nature. Almost as wondrous as his mother, she is beautiful beyond words. Dancing and laughing, she peeks around a tree at him. “Jack, come on, don’t take the easy path. That is no fun. You want to climb through the woods. Make your own path. Think of the things you will find, what you will see. Come with me.” She laughs and flits away again. Jack takes another step and finally he really is in the darkness of the trees. Glancing back he sees his parents, but they are not as bright as before. His mother is looking scared now. His father looks angry. This is new too. The way they look it worries Jack, and makes him afraid too. He wants to go back, but that is scary too, if he goes back they might yell at him. Or they might make him walk that glowing path. Is that what he really wants?
Jack works his way into the cool, lovely forest. The ground is soft and damp. Moss grows on the trunks, slimy as he touches them. With each step he goes deeper and deeper into darker parts. No one it seems has gone this way, but he knows he saw that woman walk this way. From time to time he catches a whiff of earth, and the soft fragrance of light flowers carried on the puffs of wind he can feel. He jumps over a root seemingly as large as he is, and suddenly on the other side of the tree blooms a clearing.
Standing in the middle of the clearing is the woman, but this can’t be right - she has wings, like a butterfly. She is standing arms out stretched, her head thrown back eyes closed embracing the light, but not of the Sun, no this light is colder, lighter, it must be from the Moon. Jack steps out into the light, the chill of the night playing along his arms.
Suddenly from the woods on the other side of the clearing he hears a crashing sound. Those woods don’t look as nice, or friendly as they did in the daylight. Something is breathing hard. Jack can make out red eyes glowing in the darkness. They are intent upon the woman. She looks at him and smiles a sad smile. “Yes, Dear Jack, there are monsters too in the woods. That is why not everyone goes this way. It is dangerous. But will you run? You can still make it to the other path. Your parents will always take you back. At least they might.” Her laugh is not comforting at all, an edge of mania in it, or perhaps just a touch of fear. “What will you do Dear Jack, this is where you have to choose, save me, and forever walk in these woods? Or leave me, and go back to the ghosts of possibility that your parents have conjured up for you.” Jack stands still, no knowing what to do.
“There are monsters in the woods. There is love there too. Hatred, fear, happiness, sadness, peace, tranquility, and war. All these are in the woods.” A voice Jack has never heard before, it seems to come from all sides, as if the trees themselves are saying these things. The eyes still glow in the shadows ahead of him, the woman standing in the clearing. But now the world has gone still, nothing moves. Only the voice, soft yet so strong. “What will you do, Jack? This is your choice, will you take the path less traveled? Will you find yourself here, or will you take the path of many feet? Let your parents decide your life, as they did in the field? This is your forest, not theirs. This is your path if you wish it. What will you do?”
Jack looks around, finally seeing the trees for what they are. Not scary, not good or evil, not helping or hindering him. This is his life. He can get back to the ghosts or he can find his own way. He can see the monsters, and he can see the woman. With a blink of his eye he sees he will never know what will happen if he keeps wandering through these woods. There are no guarantees, there is only life. Yes the dangers are worse, but the rewards are greater and there is a path here. No one can see it, but it is there in the woods. Going will be hard, and his parents will worry. But this is the only way to find out what the forest holds. Go where no one else has gone. Find things no one else has seen.

Wuv... Twue Wuv.

There is a problem that we as a culture have, we can’t seem to tell the difference between Lust and Love. We tend to think that lust is love, while it is rather easy to tell the difference when you think about it. Love is probably the greatest thing that human can experience, lust is just another emotion and often it is a negative one.

Lust is that first feeling you get when you see someone you are attracted too. Lust can give you the shakes, make your heart beat faster, make you not think or not even be able to think. Lust is like a drug, it can make you need to be around that person, as you become addicted to them. Lust can make people do insane things, act in ways they never would otherwise. Lust creates stalkers, lust can kill someone and make them kill. Lust is what causes someone to be violent to someone they are obsessed with. It is lust that is blind, when we are filled with it, we don’t see another faults, or problems. We don’t care about it.

Lust is the physical body, it is about hormones, pheromones, and the effects of the body. The body can override good sense, it can make us not think clearly. I, personally, had that experience. Back when I was working in a casino, I was dealing Blackjack. I was dealing to a full table one day and I glanced up, standing a little away from the table was the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. She had perfectly tanned skin, long straight brown hair. She was wearing a little black dress, and had the best smile I have seen. I kept dealing but every time I glanced up at her, she would smile at me, and at that moment I would literally lose the ability to read a card or add. After this happened a couple times, the table figured out what was going on and started laughing at me. I can’t blame them it was funny. I even told them I had no idea what card total they had. After a while, her boyfriend came by and they left. But that was a moment I will never forget and happened almost 20 years ago. That was lust. It made my brain shut down completely. I have never had that happen before or since.

Lust is a very powerful emotion, but even though it is romantic, and it is more pervasive than love it is much less and a pale imitation of what real Love is. Love is never negative, love never destroys. Love never makes people jealous, it is open and understanding. Love never hurts someone. Love is not selfish, and it never wants less for another. Love is not blind, with love we see all the person, and we accept everything about them. Love makes us better in all ways. Love forgives, love accepts. When you love you never want another to hurt, for any reason. Love makes us see others as part of ourselves, it never divides. Love takes time to develop, it is the real feeling that comes into us and pushes all negative things away.

There is nothing as powerful as love. This is especially true when dealing with the “paranormal” world. Love is more powerful then hate, it is more powerful than fear. When we allow love to find us then we drive all hate and fear out of us. When we deal with spirits with love then we get love returned. If you send out love you get back love, not fear or anger. When we surround ourselves with love, and the power of love then nothing bad can touch us. This is the essence of the protective circles and prayers for protection. If you have love in your heart then they will be much more powerful and effective. If you have fear and hatred in your heart then that is what you will invite in and all the protective prayers you send out won’t do a thing. Here lust really ins’t going to help much, though I supposed it might come up (no pun I swear) if a succubus or incubus shows up.

When you hear about love being talked about in a romantic way, almost always it is lust that we are talking about. It just doesn’t sound as good to say lust than love. Think about all the times you have heard someone talking about how they love someone and its really just lust. Lust usually burns out within 18 months in even the best cases. Love is forever. However few find love. We get used to someone, it is easier to keep them around, etc. It is lust that makes humans not be an monogamous species. That is evolution at work. Love is something that really doesn’t deal with that, but because love is not about the body it can make us monogamous and can make us be dedicated to another for our life. Lust will pull us to find another to mate with, to play with, that is a natural and chemical reaction.

So, put on a heart shaped TEM and look at the world. Really pay attention to what is lust and what is love. Don’t just buy into the Valentines day bs of what love is, look at real love. Don’t just say oh those two are in love because they are passionate, again that’s lust. Now don’t get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with lust, it is what drives the species. But just don’t confuse the two. Lust is probably not a good reason to get married, love is. Lust is a great reason to have sex, heck thats what it is designed for. But again don’t think just because you have lust with someone that they will sacrifice for you, or will always be behind you. Don’t expect someone in lust to always be faithful. Sure they will be faithful while they are in the throws of passion (maybe) but not when the fires die down.

We don’t need to lie to ourselves we can admit that lust is lust and love is love. Stop feeding on all the bs that we are fed. Think for yourself, and realize its okay to be honest with ourselves and others. When we ignore things like lust and lie to ourselves that it is love then it has more power over us. The importance is to allow ourselves to be open to see love, real love. We know it when we see it, often because it makes those who can’t feel love angry. Fear and hatred will try to deride love and make it less any chance they get. When fear rules the people then love is hard to find.

Eight, Nine, TEM

Each day we wake up, we get out of bed and we exist. Most of the time, we just go through the day and are never really alive. We just react to stimuli, nothing more. Most of the world is like that. Very few people really ever wake up and look around them. It is so much easier to just sleep walk. Probably this is a very well developed survival technique. Thousands of years of human psychological evolution has taught us to keep our heads down, don’t make eye contact, stay part of the herd. And yes we are basically herd animals. Those that stick out, those that break from the herd, those that are noticed are the ones who are often brought down first. This is not a bad thing, it just is.

But that is the great lie we all live, that is it better to be part of the crowd, that it is safer to have an us and them attitude. That if we put others down we somehow are raised up ourselves. The world has been seduced by evil, to think that being good, being nice, being ourselves is a weakness and something wrong. Acting how we really should, being good, accepting of others, no matter who or what they are, these things are rewards in and of themselves. Why do we feel the need to look down on others? Why is it that we have to use the worse stereotypes when judging another person? There are good ways to stereotype, and good ways to deal with those thoughts. We can judge in a good way, we can see the best in people, and thus in ourselves. Do we have to get up and look in the mirror and see such a horrible visage of our own that we need to crush others?

When was it that we decided that the best way to live life is by hating others? When did we decide that instead of working for the society that our elected leaders should just say no to everything? When was it voted on that by being mean to others we get ahead?

Please stop hitting the snooze button and wake up everyone. Look around you, see others and give a compliment. Tell someone they look nice, say thank you, its not that freakin hard. It is always said that in Western culture that we admire and hold up the individual, that is true, but to really do that we need to start to see that we are all the same. That only being seeing the same can we realize each is different.

This is what the Third Eye Monocle is all about, changing how we see the world. Stop letting ourselves be blind and really see it. You will not like some of the things you see, but you will like and see a lot more good than you ever thought possible. People are amazing, they are funny, smart, they will surprise you. The world it self is incredible, leaves, sunsets, the sky, water, dirt, everything is amazing. Wake up and look around, see it. Stop just surviving, stick out and get eaten by some lions.... wait that last part might suck. But what the heck, might be fun too... LOL

We need to change how we see the world, we need to fit those TEMS on and we need to change how we treat each other. We don’t need to be an ass to the waiter who takes our order, be nice and say hi to them, thank them. Talk to them if they need to talk. If you see someone who is hurting, help, step in and get involved. Take that chance, get rejected it will only hurt. Say hi to someone on Facebook you don’t know. Laugh at a movie, smile at people, get a red clowns nose and wear it while you walk down a street.

I know its going to be hard to change everything all at once, so don’t try to do it all. Just change one thing today. Smile a little more, say hi to one more person I don’t care, just do something. Make the world a little better than you left it. There are almost 7 Billion people in the world, think about what kind of changes can be done with just a little effort. Think about if every one of those Seven Billion wished I had a frosty what that could do. Just for one moment it could be like Eight Mile Frosty....

So, go and tell your mom you love her, hug someone you love, and tell someone you like their shirt. Just walk up to someone who looks like they need it and tell them something nice. Its not hard and to be honest, it is a selfish thing also, cause you will feel better by being better. So its a win win situation. Let go of the stupid Zero Sum Game Theory, there doesn’t have to be a winner or a loser anymore. Lets all get back to where everything and everyone wins.

Nothing in this life is static, it has to be renewed each and every day. Love, friendships, marriage, hatred, loathing all those things have to be actively renewed each day, we have the choice to decide what it will be. Thats the great gift we have, we can change things. That is what the idea of free will is about. You can change your mind, just because you said something or thought something once doesn’t mean its how you want things now.

Free will... its a bitch. But its what we have to deal with, its the great gift and curse. Much like Carrot Top, you know he isn’t funny, but you still laugh...

Deadercize

When we see spirits, specifically those who have passed over, are now life-impaired, joined the Choir Invisible, are now Ex parrots...whatever you want to call them, I am talking about those that have recently had a life that they have exited for greener pastures, what happens if they were fat in life? Do we still see them as fat in the next? Or does everyone get to be on the Deadercize workout schedule? Do we need to invent an Atkins diet for the dead?

I think this might be a segment of the industry that the Diet books have overlooked. Diets for the Dead there are probably billions of untapped revenue here. Think of all those Renaissance royalty that were chubby cause they were the only ones with any food... I bet they regret that now. Not to mention the in thing is to look like a skeleton... just ask Death, well okay maybe ask and run away fast. What about the poor zombies that have been eating the really smart brains, I bet those are rich. If CERN gets attacked they are going to have to exercise all those Boson-Higgs brains off. This is a serious problem, think of what the health costs are going to be like when all the boomers die and they are out of shape. We need Richard Simons to die like tomorrow to get everything ready. (this is not a call for Richard to actually die, so everyone just relax.) Okay sure, chasing Milla Jiovonhaad umm no thats not right Milla Jivonchicandhbooneee.... nope thats not right either... oh you know the girl from The Fifth Element and no not Chris Tucker, the OTHER chick in that movie, but anyway chasing her has got to be good cardio, but not all zombies get to do that, you know some catch the slow ones, and then its just sit around and have brain tartar. Do you have any idea what kind of calorie intake that is???? Do different kinds of brains taste differently? Like artsy brains taste like cake and science brains taste like ice cream? People who read a lot of the Twilight Books probably sparkle and taste sorta dreamy in a salmon sorta way. Harry Potter obsessed probably taste like pumpkin pasties. Harlequin Romance readers probably are like Diet coke and pin wheel cookies. Maybe OCD brains taste like a Mongolian BBQ. I bet schizophrenics have a nice nutty flavor to them. (Oh yes I went there.)Yes yes I know the zombies in Thriller were all thin and in shape, but think about it... they are dancers... and we all know dancers are in good shape.

But what about the other undead or recently dead, or spirits or whatever. Sure okay we all know that anyone in hell is in great shape... those 12 million crunches a day will do that. But if you are just hanging around avoided the light and that creepy lady from Poltergeist... BTW who thought it was a good idea to have her doing the voice overs for the show Scariest Places on Earth, or whatever that is. I hear her voice and immediately grab the vodka for the Carol Ann Drinking game. If you are just hanging around, think of all the ectoplasmic pounds you might be packing on. We need to make sure these spirits find a way to work this off. An Iron Trideadathon? Haunted Gyms could be the next growth industry. For Whom the DumbBell Tolls. Really who hasn’t gone to work out and felt like the machines were going to kill you... I am just saying maybe they really were.

OMG thats why they are called Exorcists.... we just have the spelling wrong, it should be Exercists. “The Power of Nike compels you...” Perhaps thats the whole point of possessions, to work off a few pounds, its like going to fat camp. All those weird positions that people go into during an Exorcism, its just a form of yoga, downward facing hellhound.

All I am saying is that I really don’t want to be stuck all jiggly in the afterlife. Sure sure sure I know I could mix in a salad and actually exercise now, and considering how you always hear it takes longer to work off sins in the next life than this one, it going to be really hard to keep that 2 lbs a week loss thing going, when you only weigh like an ounce or something.

The End of the World as We Know It, and I Feel Fine....

With all due respect to REM....

2012... the end of the Mayan calendar... the end of the world... a bad movie with John Cusack.

Okay we need to talk about this a little. First off, the Mayan calendar is a circular calendar which means that it goes around and starts over. What is so hard to figure this out about? When it resets, when you get to the end it just starts over. Are we all so obsessed with a linear mental image that we can’t accept that things don’t have to end for them to start something new? Wait don’t answer that question, I don’t want to know the answer.

That is the explanation that makes sense when you think about it. But thats not the real reason why nothing is going to happen in 2012, well aside from an election in the US which won’t change anything, and if you are so worried about it now that so and so will win and you have to use the term “Well I am leaving the country if X wins” do us all a favor and just leave now. If you are so damn short sighted and such a reactionary that you can’t deal with who ever is in office, really you don’t have to live here. There are a lot of other very good countries that could use a new militia member I am sure. Or better yet, work for the candidate you like or start a new party so we can have more than two. Oh right about the Mayan calendar, sorry I got distracted there. Okay think about this, here is a civilization that has some very high end math skills and they are creating a calendar for the people.

Remember human nature never changes, so you know there had to be a guy in a stone cubicle with a tablet and a chisel doing long division for years to figure this out. At night he goes home and gets to hear about how the Johnson’s next door are doing so much better, why Albert just got his heart ripped out in a sacrificial ceremony last Wednesday, and why doesn’t he get promoted like that? His wife always reminds him that her father always said he would not amount to anything and look here he is still alive, the slacker. So each day he goes to work, gets pebbles kicked into his face, and fantasizes about the end of the world, and dammit thats it he is not going to carry that stupid two anymore. So you know what 2012 is a good year for the end of world. Besides what did the Mayan’s care, they aren’t around anymore. \

So if you are running around thinking the world is going to end in 2012 there are a few things to remember... 1) take your pills, stop cutting them in half. B) The Mayan way of thinking is that its probably more of a spiritual shift than anything else, and the calendar starts again the next day. So you are still going to have to pick up your room mister AND monitor your credit report. iii) If it does end why the heck are you worried about it in the first place... YOU. WILL. BE. DEAD. move on nothing to see here, next number please.

You know that reminds me, what is the big deal with all the “horror” films? What is so damn scary about getting killed... tortured sure, that would suck, or being made to listen to drum corp for days on end... now THAT is a horror film. But just getting your head cut off by your local pituitary gland problem child who has a Gretzky fetish, big deal. So you die and either go to heaven, everything goes black, or you get another life.... okay sure Hell would kind of blow, but really is a little teenage sex going to send you to tell? Oh sorry I got distracted again...

Back to 2012, and besides there is other major factor as to why the world is NOT going to end in 2012. The movie the Hobbit won’t have been finished yet, and I will be damned if we all die before we get to see Smaug on the big screen.

‘Nuff Said.....

Set TEM to stun and full speed ahead.

The Secret Life of Orbs or How I learned to forget reality and love the ghost bomb

First of all I would like to thank Troy Taylor for the page I linked last time. There is an extended article about orbs in his book “Ghost Hunters Guide” (plug finished.)

Now as for my view on orbs.... THEY AREN’T ANYTHING PARANORMAL AT ALL!!!!!!!

Thats the short version. Here is the slightly longer one. They are bugs, or dust, or a simple lens flare. Just use a little skepticism and you will see that what you are seeing is nothing more than the reflected light off a bit of dust that you probably kicked up while walking. Its not the freakin ghost of Abraham Lincoln come to declare the use of WMD is a bad thing. Thanks Abe, but really did you have to hide behind the bug flying in circles to tell us that?

I understand that people as believers, and heck I am one, really want to see something, but really step back for just a moment and before drinking the ghost koolaid (its a creepy ghostgrape flavor I bet) look at what you are seeing and think if there is a better explanation. This need to be vindicated is okay, but frankly when you whip out the orb pictures I have the same reaction that I think some Christians have with those homophobic idiots with signs. You know the ones I am talking about I am not repeating what they way, but it has to make anyone cringe that there are such obsessed people out that. Put the orb photos away, unless you have one that is blinking morse code or has written a message such as “Tell Mom I said Hi” That will get my attention. But look, if you see something that is moving in a circular pattern that is flying around and around... tonight go out and look at a steet light and watch the insects flying around and around the light.....

Just look at them, its like little glowing ball of light that no one noticed when they were there, and yet when the flash went off it suddenly was there too... do you think people’s eye really glow red too? Or that Radar had two normal sized and functioning hands in MASH? Its all a trick of the camera. Oh and Han shot first dammit!!!!!

Orbs... nope not real
Lock Ness Monster... nope sorry not real either, not enough food to support a creature of that size in the Loch. (Sorry this bums me out too)
Jessica Alba’s acting... no comment, okay one comment. She seems like a really nice person, but ummm can you say wooden?
Santa... okay he is real, we all know that. Oh and those “scientists” who come out every year with that BS about how it wouldn’t work, can kiss my Santa loving A**.

Preview of The Secret Life of Orbs.

The next entry will be about Orbs, my favor of all the evidence of paranormal activity. For a primer (and I don’t care what they say its primer like the paint, not like a prim rose.) Read this link: http://www.prairieghosts.com/trouble.html

Thanks and hope to see you soon.

TEMs on!!!

Third Eye Monocle

Why third eye monocle? Well its simple, people need them. We have corrective lenses for normal eyes, so why don’t we have them for the minds eye? There are a lot of people out there who would do so much better with a little bit of clearer vision. That ghost is a little fuzzy... third eye monocle. Demons got ya on the run but you aren’t sure what kind... third eye monocle. Mixing up your aura colors... you got it TEM time baby. This is not just a good idea its a service I am speaking about.

Think about how needed this is, this of the suffering that can be alleviated with a simple addition of a TEM. No longer will we have to worry about putting psychic rat poison in our psychic coffee because we can’t read the box... this is important work I am doing here. All we really need is to put a little platform on glasses that people already wear to hold the TEM. Think about this, this is a growth industry, all the same things that corrective lenses have caused the same goes for TEMs. Eye doctors... check. Labs to lose your prescription and make you wait another two weeks.... check. Stores where people can show you different styles and then order what you need for the lab to lose....check. No more getting called 4 eyes... its now 6 eyes buddy.... check. This isn’t just a service for the poor people who simply can’t tell the difference between a spirit of a loved one and a lamp post (they both glow after all) this is a service for the country.

National security... well how easy would it be for someone to break in if we couldn’t see them well. The economy, put all those poor people who can’t focus without a TEM, these people can now be productively employed and spread the wealth. Why do you think that eye is on the dollar... Illuminati? nah... its the world wide conspiracy against the TEM.

What does all this nonsense really mean? What is this blog going to be about? Well its my own personal TEM, its going to be about how I see the spirit world, and sometimes just the world itself. We all need to get some corrective lenses I think, we need to step back and see that things aren’t as bad as we think, and aren’t as serious either. Things are always funny, and are always ridiculous we just have to see them the right way. If you are someone who doesn’t have a sense of humor, hey thats cool, you just need a TEM. If you are always looking at the negative side of things.... Rose colored TEM. Change your TEM change your world.

I am going to try to update this at least once a week. More if things catch my attention. Lets have some fun, accept that that spirit in the corner when you sleep might just be a dead “working girl” from the old west who just wants her $10 and not something scary.