Deadercize

When we see spirits, specifically those who have passed over, are now life-impaired, joined the Choir Invisible, are now Ex parrots...whatever you want to call them, I am talking about those that have recently had a life that they have exited for greener pastures, what happens if they were fat in life? Do we still see them as fat in the next? Or does everyone get to be on the Deadercize workout schedule? Do we need to invent an Atkins diet for the dead?

I think this might be a segment of the industry that the Diet books have overlooked. Diets for the Dead there are probably billions of untapped revenue here. Think of all those Renaissance royalty that were chubby cause they were the only ones with any food... I bet they regret that now. Not to mention the in thing is to look like a skeleton... just ask Death, well okay maybe ask and run away fast. What about the poor zombies that have been eating the really smart brains, I bet those are rich. If CERN gets attacked they are going to have to exercise all those Boson-Higgs brains off. This is a serious problem, think of what the health costs are going to be like when all the boomers die and they are out of shape. We need Richard Simons to die like tomorrow to get everything ready. (this is not a call for Richard to actually die, so everyone just relax.) Okay sure, chasing Milla Jiovonhaad umm no thats not right Milla Jivonchicandhbooneee.... nope thats not right either... oh you know the girl from The Fifth Element and no not Chris Tucker, the OTHER chick in that movie, but anyway chasing her has got to be good cardio, but not all zombies get to do that, you know some catch the slow ones, and then its just sit around and have brain tartar. Do you have any idea what kind of calorie intake that is???? Do different kinds of brains taste differently? Like artsy brains taste like cake and science brains taste like ice cream? People who read a lot of the Twilight Books probably sparkle and taste sorta dreamy in a salmon sorta way. Harry Potter obsessed probably taste like pumpkin pasties. Harlequin Romance readers probably are like Diet coke and pin wheel cookies. Maybe OCD brains taste like a Mongolian BBQ. I bet schizophrenics have a nice nutty flavor to them. (Oh yes I went there.)Yes yes I know the zombies in Thriller were all thin and in shape, but think about it... they are dancers... and we all know dancers are in good shape.

But what about the other undead or recently dead, or spirits or whatever. Sure okay we all know that anyone in hell is in great shape... those 12 million crunches a day will do that. But if you are just hanging around avoided the light and that creepy lady from Poltergeist... BTW who thought it was a good idea to have her doing the voice overs for the show Scariest Places on Earth, or whatever that is. I hear her voice and immediately grab the vodka for the Carol Ann Drinking game. If you are just hanging around, think of all the ectoplasmic pounds you might be packing on. We need to make sure these spirits find a way to work this off. An Iron Trideadathon? Haunted Gyms could be the next growth industry. For Whom the DumbBell Tolls. Really who hasn’t gone to work out and felt like the machines were going to kill you... I am just saying maybe they really were.

OMG thats why they are called Exorcists.... we just have the spelling wrong, it should be Exercists. “The Power of Nike compels you...” Perhaps thats the whole point of possessions, to work off a few pounds, its like going to fat camp. All those weird positions that people go into during an Exorcism, its just a form of yoga, downward facing hellhound.

All I am saying is that I really don’t want to be stuck all jiggly in the afterlife. Sure sure sure I know I could mix in a salad and actually exercise now, and considering how you always hear it takes longer to work off sins in the next life than this one, it going to be really hard to keep that 2 lbs a week loss thing going, when you only weigh like an ounce or something.